Vampires and Time Travel and Bad Fanfics, Oh My!
by misaoshiru
Summary: Kenshin's a vampire. [Big surprise there.] Kaoru and Saitou are acting strangely. What is going on? [Badfic parody, complete with fangirl nihongo! Nominated for best parody, 2006 RKRC. Somehow.]


Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin doesn't belong to me, and it's probably better that way. Used without permission. No profit is being made.

**Vampires and Time Travel and Bad Fanfics, Oh My!**  
_by misaoshiru_

The sliding bamboo door was pushed open a crack, a head poking through the opening. "Umm...Kaoru-dono?" the head's owner said cautiously, peering at the room's occupant, a young raven-haired woman wearing her sleeping yukata. Her long black tresses were dripping water on the tatami, still wet from her bath. Her eyes, like glistening sapphires set in a flesh-colored hill, made the perfect centerpiece to her faultlessly rounded face. (Kenshin briefly wondered why he was having such gushy, cliché, and badly written thoughts before forgetting about them due to more important matters.)

"Kenshin?" she said in her perfect voice that was more beautiful than angel song. "Nani desu ka?" (She had to say it in Japanese, of course, because she was afraid Kenshin would forget that they _were_ Japanese, bless her heart.)

"Umm...sessha has something to tell you. It's very important de gozaru. Sessha...is a vampire."

Instead of acting with fear or revulsion or becoming hysterical, as Kenshin suspected she might, her eyes (such perfect eyes) lit up with glee. "Kenshin, this is perfect! Imagine how much endurance you must have now!"

"Endurance de gozaru ka?"

"Yes! Lemme tell you, I've been thinking lately, and I've come up with the perfect position! It's kind of like missionary crossed with 69ing, and..."

"Position? Nani de gozaru ka?"

"Yes, baka! Sex!"

"Oro..." Kenshin couldn't believe what was happening. It had been a week since Kenshin had started craving blood (he didn't even know why,) and to have Kaoru accept him like this was both refreshing and very, very disturbing. And...when did his Kaoru get such a perverted mind? _Wait._ His? Since when did he think of her as his possession? This was bad. "Anou...Kaoru-dono? Sessha's going to go get tofu now, bye." And with that, he dashed out the door with Hiten Mitsurugi-ryuu godlike speed.

"Pity," Kaoru said after he left. "Guess I'll just have to find Sanosuke and try those moves out with him, then."

* * *

Kenshin meandered through the marketplace, tofu bucket in hand. He had hoped that getting some fresh air (and tofu, of course) would help clear his mind, but his mind seemed to have other plans. (Coincidentally, it also had a name. His mind was named Bob-chan.) Whenever he saw a young woman there at the market, Bob-chan insisted on pasting Kaoru-dono's face in place of the girl's face. Worse, the line at the tofu vendor's cart was excessively long, and it seemed all the people there were young women. It was driving him crazy! 'Whatever happened to gentlemen taking care of the shopping for them?' he thought darkly. 

"I see you're stuck in this kami-blasted line too, Battousai," a familiar voice said. A _very_ familiar voice. It just happened to be a voice belonging to the one person Kenshin wanted the least to talk to right then, actually. It occurred to him (and Bob-chan, of course) to wonder why Saitou Hajime, of all people, wanted to make conversation with him right now, but he supposed anything was tolerable if it stopped Bob-chan from focusing on Kaoru-dono and...well, sex. "Tanuki making you do the shopping again?" Saitou smirked. Wait, scratch that last sentence. Saitou always smirks. I'm wasting your time, aren't I? Sorry, back to the story.

"Hai de gozaru," Kenshin said without batting an eyebrow. It was a lie, he knew, but Saitou didn't need to know the real reason he was here. He would rather _he_ didn't know. "You?"

Saitou's smirk changed into something resembling a grimace. (Hah! He doesn't _always_ smirk! So I wasn't wasting your time after all! Take that, reader!) "Tokio," he sighed.

"Sessha sees..." Now Kenshin had a dilemma. He could uncharacteristically reveal his potentially embarrassing secret to Saitou and cry like a little boy, or he could waste the opportunity to talk it through with the one man who could possibly understand what he was going through. (How could Saitou understand? I don't know; he just could! As for your other question, "What about Sanosuke?"... He doesn't count! Besides, Kaoru's gone off to have sex with him, remember? Hah!) Finally, after debating with himself for about five minutes (during which time Bob-chan played Ping Pong with a panda cub, beat said panda cub, and did a scary victory dance incorporating the robot, the chicken dance, and the macarena,) the OOCness won out, as it often does in fanfiction. "Saitou, sessha needs your help."

Saitou, being the composed man that he was, managed (with some difficulty) to refrain from bursting out in laughter or doing a victory dance disturbingly similar to Bob-chan's. Instead, he merely smirked and said, "Oh? With what?"

"Sessha is...umm...a vampire, and sessha needs your help to find out why."

Surprisingly, Saitou didn't burst into laughter then either. His voice took on a very serious tone. "How did you become a vampire?"

"Sessha doesn't know de gozaru. One night, sessha went to sleep as usual after eating a meal made by Kaoru-dono. The next morning, sessha craved blood."

Had Saitou not been the way he was right then, (what I mean by that will be revealed in a few sentences, but I'm trying to be mysterious here!) he would have made a crack about the tanuki's cooking being the probable cause. "How long ago was this?" he asked instead.

"About a week. Naze de gozaru ka?"

A chill ran down Saitou's spine. "That's weird," he said in an OOC manner.

"How so?"

"I mysteriously became a vampire one week ago as well...have you had the bizarre urge to claim someone and screw them silly?"

"Hai. Have you?"

"Hai..."

Kenshin scowled. "Sessha hopes with you it was your wife."

Saitou blushed. "Umm...no."

"Then who?"

The cop went from red to green instantly. "You," he said quietly, looking like he was about to throw up.

Bob-chan fainted. Kenshin just stared at Saitou, since you can't really think when your mind's unconscious. Then, when Bob-chan woke up, Kenshin started to look equally ill. "This is sickening, disturbing, and just plain _wrong!_" he said. "We have got to figure out a way to get out of this mess de gozaru!"

"Hai," Saitou agreed. "But how?"

"Sessha thinks this tofu bucket might help us."

Saitou stared at Kenshin as if he was insane (which is entirely possible, considering this fic.) "How the hell would _that_ help?"

"Sessha doesn't know, but it would make about as much sense as anything else that's going on."

"Point," said Saitou, who had the sudden urge to touch the bucket. With the two of them holding it, vampiric energy flowed through their fingertips, and the tofu bucket began to glow a pretty crimson color. (Why crimson? Because red's a cool color!) Then, they vanished.

* * *

They appeared in a normal 20th century middle class house. (Even though it was the 21st century - weird, huh?) A teenage girl with messy brown hair that went just past her shoulders sat at a computer typing like mad. Kenshin tapped her on the shoulder, and she looked up and gasped. "Anou..." he said. 

"Ken-nii-san, is that really you?" the girl asked, looking so eager she practically had stars in her eyes. "And Saitou-san too...how'd you guys get here?"

Despite the girl's speaking English rather than Japanese, the two of them understood her perfectly, but they didn't really wonder about that since they had other concerns. "Are you the one responsible for all the weirdness de gozaru ka?" Kenshin said.

"Umm...you could say that." When Saitou started to draw his sword and murmur something about killing evil immediately, the girl held her hands up in alarm. "But...it's a parody fic! Trust me, there are writers out there who make you even more out of character than this! I usually do my best to keep all of you perfectly in character, I promise!"

"Prove it," Saitou snarled.

"Fine," the girl said, turning to the computer and typing something into her browser's url bar: community . livejournal . com / snarky(underscore)ffff (Minus the spaces and with an actual underscore, of course.) Both of the Rurouken characters stared at the screen in horror. Between wonderfully sarcastic comments were terrifying fanfic summaries taken from an actual website, fanfiction . net. "Lyke, ok," one read, "this is about BattousaiKenshin and Kaoru fall in loev. Pls read and reveiw!1" Kenshin flinched. Another gem said, "Tokoi is a spy for Chusho. Saitou is Shissenguni. Wat happens wehn they fall head over heals for each other? Liek, this is my firstest storie so pleaes don't flaem!"

Saitou glowered at the screen, drawing his sword. "Aku, soku..."

"Destroy my computer and I'll kill you off in every single fanfic I write after this one, Saitou!" the girl hissed, and he sheathed the sword. (It wasn't so much because he was afraid of dying in mere stories, but because he decided there was no point in destroying the computer. The writer of that abomination, on the other hand...)

"So...umm...misaoshiru-dono," Kenshin said, "how long will it be before we're back to normal?"

"As soon as the fic ends, the two of you should return to your normal characterizations."

Kenshin sighed in relief. Saitou turned around and headed to the door. "Where are you going?" Kenshin asked.

"To find that one author. Aku, soku, zan." He smirked. Kenshin stared after him. He didn't want to advocate Saitou killing the fangirl, but sometimes, it's just better not to get involved.

* * *

The End

* * *

Note: In case you couldn't tell, those summaries were made up entirely for the purpose of this fic, although the ones on snarky(underscore)ffff are real. Snarky(underscore)ffff is a livejournal community run by Nekotsuki, and it's great fun. I just couldn't resist giving it a cameo here, especially since it was Nekotsuki's most recent snarks that inspired this parody. 

Update: 5/15/07  
Still overwhelmed by the fact that it's up for an RKRC. Decided to fix some of the formatting...


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